The Invisible Driver
writing Laurie Doctor writing Laurie Doctor

The Invisible Driver

All these dreams about being in a car — mostly as a passenger with an invisible driver, headed for disaster. There is always a tragedy about to happen: the car is on the wrong side of the road or careening out of control down a steep incline, or in a sudden slick ice blizzard.

Just as in the “impossible tasks” theme in the old stories, there is no apparent way through. It is terrifying. I am in one of these dreams; this time I can see the driver, but he is facing backwards. His hands are not on the wheel, and he can only see where we have already been. I am in the passenger seat, looking, and unlike the driver, I see what is ahead. The road has a hole in it large enough for a truck to fall into, and deep enough for a dozen. The faraway caw of a crow draws my attention to the distant hill, where a crowd has gathered. Then, somehow, the crowd vanishes. The driver and I are alone, heading at rapid speed toward the cavernous opening. When I try to speak, no sound comes. At the last moment, the driver, still facing backwards, adeptly navigates the car over the hole with the compass of a blind seer.

As in the old stories, help comes from unexpected places. In these dreams it is the invisible driver, as most often I cannot see who is driving — I only know it isn’t me.

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Once Upon A Time
Calligraphy, writing, exhibits, stories, painting Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, writing, exhibits, stories, painting Laurie Doctor

Once Upon A Time

You can see this any day. It is both time and place at once. It is of transcendent beauty. It is the agent of all transformation. It is the origin of all things. It is so familiar that it is known by all. Yet so familiar it is forgotten and unseen. But even forgotten it is the one essential thing: the dawn.
(Susan Brind Morrow, The Dawning Moon of the Mind: Unlocking the Pyramid Texts)
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Leaping Greenly Spirits of Trees
Calligraphy, painting, poetry, retreat, tarot, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, painting, poetry, retreat, tarot, writing Laurie Doctor

Leaping Greenly Spirits of Trees

I am not sure what prompted me to sign up for the Tarot Conclave in Philadelphia. My concerned friends asked me some pointed questions. My husband, fairly indignant at my having just touched down from Santa Fe, had some more. I normally travel for the art classes I teach, and they are carefully planned and scheduled well in advance. But, like work with the Tarot, this was intuitive and completely spontaneous.  I simply packed my sketchbook and went; not even I knew what to expect.

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No Praise, No Blame
Calligraphy, drawing, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, drawing, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor

No Praise, No Blame

William Stafford's philosophy of teaching, "no praise, no blame" is something I aspire to. He felt it is not our job, as teachers, to deal out praise or blame, but rather to create an atmosphere where, in the end, the teacher is envious of the work the students have done. I want to cultivate an environment that is not oriented to what others' think, or what the teacher thinks– but that arises from the inside, brings out surprises, and elicits the best each student has to offer. "I would rather be envious of my students' work than encouraging them." (Wm. Stafford)

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The Silver Apples of the Moon
painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor

The Silver Apples of the Moon

After teaching a class at Ghost Ranch, I was invited to stay in Taos at the Mabel Dodge Luhan Retreat, where I will be teaching next May. I was walking with Marguerite in downtown Taos when we wandered into the Ortenstone Delattre Gallery. Neither of us had ever been there, or ever heard of Pierre Delattre. He was sitting behind his desk and stood up to greet us– shining silver hair, shining eyes. In retrospect, it is like the archetypal stories where the children lose their way and find themselves inside a magic castle or enchanted forest. I was instantly spellbound, and wanted to see everything that was in this gallery.

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This Isn't A Contest
painting, writing Laurie Doctor painting, writing Laurie Doctor

This Isn't A Contest

There is a way to come back to ourselves, to create with gusto, when the world can feel like a giant steam roller of information and competition. This weekend a couple of our friends, who have converted a room in their home into a gallery, invited about a dozen of us to come over and see the exhibit, drink some wine, eat fresh baked bread, and have a conversation. It wasn't about evaluating the work, dealing out praise or blame, or selling. It was about ideas and friendship, creativity and play. I made discoveries about other artists that enlivened me. Our friends even re-designed the labels for the wine they served:

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"You Can't Discover the Product Until You're Making It" –Stephen Colbert
Calligraphy, drawing, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, drawing, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor

"You Can't Discover the Product Until You're Making It" –Stephen Colbert

There was an article this week in the NY Times on Stephen Colbert's new role as the host of "The Late Show". In spite of the fact that he has been preparing all summer, he said: You can't discover the product until you're making it. This is the one of the characteristics of art, whether it is music, painting, teaching or theatre– if you already know what you are going to do, it loses vitality, and the delight of surprise. It is the paradox of being immersed in preparedness and open to the moment. This is both terrifying and a relief– for when we can forget about ourselves and the thing we are making, we become a vessel for creation– which is always more than we could imagine.

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Are You Guided by Aim or Fate?
Calligraphy, mythology, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, mythology, painting, poetry, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor

Are You Guided by Aim or Fate?

I love returning to a book or a poem that is well written, as there is always something new that emerges, or something I have read before, but now I understand more deeply. There is a scene from Tolkein's The Lord of the Rings, when an arrow, against all odds, hits its mark. Tolkien says: It was guided by aim or fate. What an image! We have all had the experience of something coming to pass where there seemed to be a force outside the realm of cause and effect at work. How much of our work results from our aim, our will– and how much from something that we cannot quite pin down?

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Dawn Comes
Calligraphy, drawing, painting, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, drawing, painting, writing Laurie Doctor

Dawn Comes

This is one of my favorite paintings of Paul Klee– one I got to see in person in Switzerland. The title, together with the moon, give it humor and timelessness. Our longing toward wholeness and timelessness is universal, along with those numinous moments that bring us back to awareness. Here is a story of what happened this week–

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Part II: What Happened After
Calligraphy, painting, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor Calligraphy, painting, retreat, writing Laurie Doctor

Part II: What Happened After

My husband was watching the radar screen to track my plane on the way home, as it went around a gigantic storm. That night we heard the loudest, deepest, reverberating roar of thunder ever. It was so imperative that it reminded me of Laurens van der Post's book, The Voice of the Thunder, where he describes thunder as"an urgent manifesto for renewal in the human spirit".

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